This is my chronic illness recovery journey, though I didn’t know it then.
As a kid I wanted to be an actor, a doctor, a dancer, a speaker and what not. Everyday dreams changed. Once I started understanding a little bit about this vast world, I started dreaming about being independent in my 20s, conquering my world by 30, and holding a C Suite position in my 30s.
The universe has been kind, but be careful about what you wish for. Ambition came with a cost. Work kept expanding. More than manageable at times. The body kept up, until it didn’t. The first time a doctor diagnosed me with a condition (different than the one I am writing about), I keenly reversed it and succeeded in mere months. I felt like I could stretch and go on for the next day.
When pushing harder still felt like the right choice
I had so much fun in the process that I ignored classic signs of stress. Afterall, I had no idea what burnout was. You might wonder why am I using fun and stress in the same sentence. Stretching myself beyond my limits used to be fun in my 20s. For fevers, headaches and everything else, there was a pill. I gained weight because of unhealthy choices, no time for workout and stress. I postponed taking care for tomorrow which never came.
My body started saying what I wasn’t listening to
After some life changing events and moving to a different city, I faced reality when I was unable to stand without falling down. Severe headaches, vertigo and vision issues became too frequent to ignore. This time I knew something was wrong, especially when I fell in the bathroom. My head said, this happens later in life, not so soon. I had a long list of things to achieve. I consulted so many doctors but getting a diagnosis was difficult. Finally, a kind doctor heard all my symptoms, did all the necessary tests and referred me to a Neurologist. My first time inside an MRI machine was tough.
At 30, doctors finally diagnosed me with a chronic condition, which would have led to vision loss if left unmanaged. They treated me, but this meant I needed to take the necessary pauses now. As you can imagine, to celebrate, I went to Ooty, India with my partner. While finally in silence, I decided to take charge of my life.
Learning to live differently with chronic condition, not just recover
I slowly added nutrition, movement and mindfulness in my life. I started learning about stress management. It was obviously very challenging to move away from old patterns and build newer habits.
Medication side effects and the management during my journey of chronic illness recovery was another hurdle. My work involved extensive travels. Sometimes I didn’t know when my condition might flare up. I am immensely grateful to the organization I worked with (ICICI) then for allowing me to take pauses when needed.
I was able to perform well, achieve top ratings over the years and rebuild from zero. There was one thing I was quite sure of- I didn’t want my illness to define me. Over the years, I have visited multiple doctors, taken different opinions, and endured mistreatment and misdiagnosis. The MRIs still showed the disease, and my symptoms refused to say goodbye. Alongside I changed cities, learned new skills, hosted events and became a Founder. My ambitions never stopped, way to approach changed.
What chronic illness did to me
There were weeks, and a couple of times months, where I was unable to perform. I had to quit swimming, running and any workouts that were intense for my brain. I would be lying if I said I didn’t think of quitting a few times. I’m not ashamed. I have come out stronger and more passionate about living.
This Journey Changed me
Yesterday, my MRI report was finally clean. Threatening issues have gone completely. I still have some issues, hopeful, these will pass too and I will fully recover from chronic condition.
I am not sharing this here to garner sympathy. This is a reminder to take care of yourself. Do not miss the signs.
Stress will show up in your body, sometimes with long term effects.
If you can move. Move. Don’t take it for granted.
If you can think, use your brain for stuff that is positive for you.
If you are in your chronic illness recovery phase, don’t avoid healthcare and focus on the basics: movement, sleep, nutrition and inner work.
Don’t give up!
I am grateful to my loving partner, my family, team at Indian Leadership Academy and Kaushik Mahapatra, my Coach peers, ICICI Colleagues, some wonderful health practitioners, my trusting clients, Coursera.com and so many more people for having their faith in me over these last few years. They have inspired me work around clarity, pressure and how we navigate both work and life.
If you’ve been carrying something similar, you don’t have to figure it out alone.
This is an extenstion to my post on Linkedin. I hope you enjoed reading.
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